Are there any other Valley parents struggling with their teenager’s grief? Am I alone in this healing journey? Guessing not. I just happen to have a daughter who wears her heart on her sleeve and is stuck in the “what if” stage….
She just aches. She wants time to be sad. I understand those feelings. It wasn’t too long ago I felt the same about her grandpa. She’s also mad. That’s normal I think. Part of the confusing circumstances. Her sadness does outweigh the anger, though.
These are her words…..
I need time to mourn. To just lay on the floor and cry until it hurts to breathe.
I know he is watching me. I can feel him. I talk to him now that I feel more alone than ever. I want him to see what he has done to me. How much he has hurt us all. He doesn’t deserve to see me smile. He doesn’t.
I want one more chance for him to hug me. One more chance for me to lean in and tell him everything I held in for the sake of my friendships. I would tell him that I love him and he’d sit there and give me that look like, “Does she really mean this?” It always took so much for him to believe me. I broke his heart. And before he’d get the chance to ask, I would say, “Yes I do.” Then he would give me that smile. Ear to ear, starts out small and grows. I’d never seen one that beautiful. Makes my heart melt and my eyes burn. He’d be wearing that green tie dye shirt he loved. He’d hold me warm in his arms and not let go until I did – while his flippy hair brushed my cheek and tickled me.
One step at a time I guess….. We watch the show Friends a lot. I laid by her side and told her tomorrow was going to be like the episode after Chandler and Kathy broke up. For her tomorrow would be like when Chandler finally got out of bed, took off the dirty gray sweats and was ready to go out with the guys. She laughed….
This really is a process….day by day, step by step. I truly believe he DOES deserve to see her smile. I know in her heart she believes the same AND that he wants her to smile – ear to ear, starting out small and growing…..